Bright Consultancy

Communication Skills Tip # 3: What I Meant to Say Was…

Consider this statement: “the meaning of the communication is the response you get”

What does this mean? It means that regardless of what I meant to say, the only useful information is what you heard. When we take responsibility for our own communication, we become more flexible in generating new ways to communicate. Notice the responses that you get when you communicate. This feedback will provide you with lots of information about any gaps between what you meant to say and what the other person or people actually heard. You can use this valuable feedback to make corrections in your performance and get more of what you want.

Beware also of dealing with what linguists call complex equivalence. This is when people construct sentences in which something equals something else. Usually there is a degree of emotional content involved. Here are some examples:

• If you loved me, you would take out the garbage
• I know you care about me when you make me a cup of tea
• If we can’t get this done on time, we’re a bunch of losers
• This presentation can make or break my career
• The accounts department hasn’t returned my call — they deliberately get in my way!

When you hear a complex equivalence like this from another person, and you are involved, it’s really important to explore the meaning of the communication. Notice when you introduce complex equivalence in your conversation and seek an exploration of what you really mean.

Are you listening?

‘Listening is such a simple act.  It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don’t have to do anything else.  We don’t have to advise, or coach or sound wise.  We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.’ Margaret J. Wheatley

Listening is the essence of coaching.  Most of us spend our time half listening:  listening, but not really paying attention, listening, and doing email at the same time, listening, and thinking about what we’re going to say next.  Yet when we are fully, completely listened to, we flourish.

When I reflect on my work as a coach, I realise that many of my clients benefit most from being listened to – from articulating their experience and being heard.  There’s a magic in being fully present in the moment and 100% listening to another person.  It creates a kind of flow that benefits both participants.  It creates a special space alive with possibilities.

When we really listen, and give people uninterrupted space and time, we offer more than just our presence.  When we are able to listen without the need to interrupt, chip in, respond, give advice, get involved, we give people an amazing gift: our belief that they are entirely capable of figuring things out for themselves.  This, too, is the essence of coaching.

Creating space for listening may require making changes.  It can be helpful to notice what helps you to be more present.  I listen best when I am well fed and watered, have limited distractions in my environment, and focus my attention on listening.  It also helps me to take a quiet moment before the conversation to ground myself and connect with my centre.

A great resource for finding out more about powerful listening, and listening as a coaching skill, is Time to Think by Nancy Kline.

How creative are you in your business?

Are you a ‘creative’ person?  For a long time, I thought I wasn’t.  In my mind, a ‘creative’ person did something artistic – making beautiful things, performing in some way, being a craftsperson.  As an art historian (a long, long time ago!) I was surrounded by beautiful objects, and I believed that I could never make anything like that – hence, I was obviously not ‘creative’.  Add in to this an artistic brother and a musical husband, and the scene was set:  I was just not one of those ‘creative’ types.

These days, I think a lot more broadly about my definition of ‘creative’.  If we imagine being creative as ‘following the impulse to create’, then most of us are creative people.  As an entrepreneur, my whole business is one long creative act of faith.  As a coach, I work with my clients to create new possibilities and ways of thinking.  And as a teacher, I create learning environments for people.  It’s taken me a long time to think of myself as creative in this way, and I think that many of us are missing out on a valuable perspective on our working life when we don’t acknowledge our innate creativity.

If you’re pondering your own creative nature, here are some thoughts to consider:

• creativity is NATURAL; it’s part of your nature.  I believe creativity is an internal impulse that we can tap into.  This impulse is available to us in all kinds of contexts:  painting watercolours, cooking, writing, brainstorming, decision making, questing off into new directions…
• creativity can be CULTIVATED.  We can feed our creativity or we can pinch it off – the choice is ours.  What would you need to choose in order to feed your creativity?  Where would you need to place your focus and energy?  What would you need to stop feeding in order to be more creative?
• We are creative when we experience flow.  Flow might be defined as the balance between challenge and comfort.  How’s your balance going for you?

And who would you be if you really invested in your own ability to create?

What do you LOVE about your work?

‘They all attain perfection when they find joy in their work’ Bhagavad Gita

Do you enjoy your work? Are you a little bit in love with the work that you do? If not, why not?

I’m very fortunate because I don’t just love what I do, I LOVE what I do. It wasn’t always this way however (and still isn’t always this way – although that’s a different blog post!). I spent a good portion of my life doing the work I thought I was supposed to do. What do I mean by that? Well, work that reflected the time I’d spent studying art history, so that good education wouldn’t be ‘wasted’. Work that people in my life related to, that they could understand. Work that I believed they expected me to do. And, very definitely, work that I expected myself to do. Work that I was capable of doing, work that I was good at, work that displayed some of my talents. Ultimately, work that just didn’t feel right for me, that produced a nagging sensation that I was supposed to be somewhere else, in a different room, with different people, operating in a different role. This tension existed in my working life for many, many years, so if you are reading this and you feel this way – I know how you’re feeling!

Here’s what I know from my experience of working this way, deciding to make changes, and inventing my own work:

1. No matter what you are doing to earn your living, there is joy to be found in work. I enjoyed myself a lot of the time in my previous career. These ‘joy pockets’ were useful pointers to guide me towards career choices that increased my joy.
2. All that expectation stuff was largely self inflicted. It was a story that I told myself that restricted my choices and pinched me off from opportunities. It was a mental game that kept me playing small.
3. Just because I don’t enjoy it, doesn’t mean that no one will enjoy it. I use to martyr myself to the parts of my job that I didn’t enjoy. This was a great way to feel simultaneously frustrated and self righteous! When I stepped away from the tasks that I found disagreeable, other people could do them. These strange individuals seemed to enjoy the work I found distasteful. Meaning that it was silly for me to make myself do those things for such a long time.
4. As you learn more about yourself, you are able to make better choices that increase your happiness. It’s a great professional goal to aim to up your ‘joy percentage’ on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. The easiest way to do this is to discover your strengths, and work to them exclusively.
5. The world will conspire with you to help you do the work you love. It is possible, and even easy, to find or create satisfying work that will bring you joy.

I wish you joy in your work!

How to harness the power of incremental change

Remember that old joke that goes ‘How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time’? There’s an important nugget contained within it about the power of incremental change.

It can be easy to get overwhelmed when we are facing a complex task, a challenge, or a daunting change that we want to make. Sometimes we treat the elements of our lives like elephants – nothing but a sea of grey. I know that when I do this it is a sure fire way to make little or no progress towards my goals.

How does change really work in our lives? Often, when we think of change, we think of dramatic personal changes and turning points. In reality, the substantial changes are happening subtly all the time.

Are you the same size you were when you were 21? Welcome to the power of incremental change! If, like me, you’re somewhat bigger than you used to be, then you know that the weight was gained one ounce at a time.

Scarier still is the power of incremental non-change. I remember spending a long time in a job that wasn’t really the right fit for me. There was nothing wrong with the role itself – I just didn’t feel like it was right for me. Because I believed that changing my work would be uncomfortable, challenging, exhausting, and could potentially take a long time, I prevaricated and procrastinated…for almost 10 years. That’s the power of incremental non-change!

So how can we harness the power of incremental change, especially where ‘elephants’ are involved?

• Recognise the amazing power of daily habits. Our habits exist outside our conscious awareness, and they have a disproportionate effect on our results. This is particularly obvious in areas like our weight, which is the cumulative result of our eating habits over time.
• Commit to making one or two small changes to your habits. If, for example, you have the habit of avoiding a difficult issue, why not tackle it head on for just 10 minutes each day. Do that for long enough, and the elephant will get eaten.
• Consider how your habits can take you towards your goals. The Japanese concept of Kaizen (continuous improvement) is built upon this principle. What would be one daily habit that would move you towards your goal?
• Find a way to track your habits: include them on your to do list, stick post it notes in your calendar, use electronic reminders – anything that helps to keep you accountable to yourself.
• Hire a coach. We are the habit accountability specialists! Any good coach will help you define actions that you are willing to take, and will hold you accountable for taking those actions. This will give you motivation, and peace of mind that you are mastering your ‘elephants’.

I wish you luck!

Comms Skills #2: What NOT to do when you’re presenting!

Usually, when I write these tips, I’m in favour of advising what to do, rather than what not to do. However, on occasion, I spot a spectacular example of what not to do that perfectly illustrates why it’s not a good idea to do it. And so – ta da – today’s tip is…don’t write your speech notes on your hand. Please. Just don’t. It doesn’t make you look smart.

Most people facing an important presentation worry about remembering the key points of their presentation. It’s important to have a strategy for remembering your content.

I’ve worked with many clients in the past who push themselves to memorise entire speeches word for word. This is not a realistic strategy, and, even when successful at remembering, the effort of recall tends to suck the life out of the speech.

Some people like to read a script word for word. Unless you are a gifted orator, or a practiced lecturer, this is not a good idea. Many people’s ‘reading out loud’ voice is not very interesting, plus there is a strong tendency to look at the script rather than the audience.

So what’s the solution? Well, here are 3 strategies that have worked well for many of my clients.

• Own your own content. Content is a lot harder to remember when you get someone else to write it for you. Write it yourself – getting help if you need it – and be 100% behind everything you say.
• Imagine your talk like a shape, seeing the beginning, middle, and end. Imagine your talk is a journey, and get to know its geography. Where will you be taking people? Note the content ‘landmarks’ along the way. These signposts will help you link the key points of your talk together.
• Make a crib card. Reduce your talk to its key points. If you’ve written all of it out, reduce each paragraph to a single phrase that stands for the point of the paragraph. Then reduce each group of phrases to a phrase. When you have 5 phrases or less, write them in order on a small card. Study the card regularly, rehearsing the talk in your mind, seeing yourself remembering the material effortlessly. Put the card in your pocket when you speak just in case you need it (you won’t).Now who, I hear you asking yourselves, would be dumb enough to write their prompts on their hand? Well, here’s your answer: Yes, it’s Sarah Palin, courtesy of Sky News.

We Are Who We Choose To Be

I was recently sent a link to this fabulous clip of Will Smith being interviewed by Tavis Smiley.   Here are my 5 favourite things about what Will Smith has to say, and you can watch the video clip below.

• He is a self actualising person.  Listen, and hear the possibility thinking and the belief system underpinning it.  ‘I can create whatever I want to create’. ‘We are who we choose to be’. ‘2+2 is going to be whatever I want it to be’.  This is how we create our own luck.
• He articulates beautifully the coaching principle of being ‘at cause’ rather than ‘at effect’ in life.  We all have choices, all the time, we just choose to not notice them.  Being at cause shifts the responsibility to us for the outcomes we get.  This is liberating and empowering when we embrace it.
• His commitment to being a pro.  Towards the end of the clip he talks about how he ‘won’t be outworked’.  To me, this isn’t particularly about hard work.  It’s about dedication, commitment, and discipline in his approach to his work.  His determination and consistency is admirable.
• The metaphor of alchemy – in what parts of your life could you turn lead into gold?  How could you convert adversity to opportunity?
• That he doesn’t want to be an icon, he wants to represent an IDEA.  How great is that?  To do this requires really showing up fully in your own life.

What idea would you like to represent?  How is your life a reflection of your beliefs and values?

Communication Skills Tip #1: Meet the Needs of Your Audience

Have you ever been to a presentation that was disappointing?  In what way did it disappoint you?

Most of us, when we think about presentations, put performance pressure on ourselves.  Actually, giving the right talk for the audience is more important.

I remember, years ago, booking a day out of the office to travel to attend a trade show relevant to my work.  My entire decision to attend was based on an enticing presentation.  The blurb suggested that the speaker would be sharing critical information that would fill a major knowledge gap that I had at the time.  Well, you can guess what happened.  The presentation was a waste of time.  The speaker seemed to be talking about something completely different from what I’d been expecting.  More than that, the information he was sharing, although interesting, wasn’t meeting my needs.  Most of us have attended at least one presentation like this.  So what’s the solution?

It’s helpful to think about any documents and presentations you create from your audience’s perspective. Take time to think about what they will want to know about. If you don’t know what they want, find out.  What is the information they are interested in? What are they expecting to hear about from you?  Imagine two overlapping circles. One circle is you; everything that you want to communicate in your document or presentation. The other circle is your audience, whether an individual or a group; everything they want to know about after listening to you or reading your writing. Concentrate your presentation or document in the area where the two circles overlap. This allows you to constructively meet the needs of your audience without introducing unnecessary and distracting information.

My dad’s wisdom – part 1

My Dad is one of life’s great diplomats.  His colleagues have consistently valued his calm, principled approach to the drama of working with other people.  I’ve learned a lot from his sensible, common sense approach to work – so much the opposite of my own tendency to extremes of thought, effort, and emotion.

One of my Dad’s favourite pieces of advice is something I say to myself – and to my clients – all the time.  He says ‘If you arrive at work in the morning and you have 3 giant unsolvable problems on your desk, leave them alone and at least 2 of them will have solved themselves by lunchtime’.  This is so often true.  Yet how often do we bash away, trying to solve things, and making ourselves and others crazy in the process?

It’s amazing how often, when ignored, problems solve themselves, or at the very least begin to unravel.  Sometimes, when we are quick to fix things, we deny other people the opportunity to take action and contribute.  Sometimes, when we feed problems by worrying about them, we fixate on the ‘problem’ aspects of the problem, narrowing our focus and restricting our thinking and behaviour. Sometimes, we like the challenge of wrestling with tricky problems because doing so gives us a sense of achievement.  At what cost to our peace of mind?  And some of us tend to feel responsible for everyone and everything.  If that’s you, you might want to examine whether you really trust other people (and yourself).  Einstein posed the question ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’  Is your world a friendly place?

Next time you feel overwhelmed, leave a few things alone. Check with them later, and see what has happened.  You might just find that they’ve solved themselves.

In praise of looking

Tomorrow I’m going to be doing one of my favourite activities – taking a day off and spending it wandering around the National Gallery in London with a like-minded friend.  As some of you know, for many years I worked as an art historian with the National Trust.  I was very fortunate to do the work that I did, not least because I worked closely with beautiful things all day long.

I’m guessing that many of you reading this won’t be art lovers, or country house aficionados, or even lovers of beauty. So why is beauty important?  For me, I suppose it’s mostly that I find looking at beautiful things restorative.  There’s something simultaneously tranquil and energetic about allowing your eyes to rest on beautiful things.  It slows me down, it causes me to concentrate, it’s incredibly relaxing, and at the same time it’s exciting and stimulating.

I believe that many of us have forgotten how to really look at things.  When I was first studying art history, I had a terrific teacher.  He told us to take an image, and look at it closely for 30 minutes.  Then, we were told to write down everything we’d noticed.  As you can imagine, for the first 10 minutes or so all I could think about was being thirsty, cooking dinner, shopping lists etc and then an amazing thing happened – I surrendered to looking and was totally in the moment.  Afterwards, I was astonished at how much I had noticed about the image.

As I trained myself to really look, I fell in love with looking.  Over the years, this has been a source of enormous pleasure to me – as it will be tomorrow when I will spend all day looking.  Beyond art appreciation, is there a deeper value to skill at looking?

The thing about really looking is that you notice more than other people do.  Over time, you become capable of making minute distinctions, you develop a strong visual memory, and you develop a way of articulating what you are noticing.  You are increasing your ability to be observant.  As a coach, this is an immensely valuable skill as it is associated with being perceptive.  Being observant is an important skill for anyone to cultivate – especially those in positions of responsibility.  Consider this – being observant helps you to notice more of what’s going on.  As a leader, this is essential.

So, why not decide to spend a little time today just looking?  If art isn’t your thing, try nature…