Posts Tagged ‘Communication skills’
« Older EntriesNLP Tip: Pacing Yourself for Better Concentration and Productivity
Thursday, July 15th, 2010
This short video clip explores the NLP concept of ‘pacing’. You can use your understanding of pacing to improve your concentration, be more productive, and effectively influence other people. In the video, I share practical examples from my own coaching practice to illustrate how pacing works.
Please let me know what you think!
Tags: Communication skills, Improve concentration, Improving effectiveness, Increase productivity, Leadership Skills, neuro linguistic programming, NLP, NLP Pacing, self improvement
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6 Ways to Make a Bad First Impression
Thursday, July 1st, 2010
Are your non verbal communication skills letting you down? Most of us know what it’s like to mess up something important, like a job interview or presentation. Sometimes, we don’t know exactly how we messed it up, or what to do about it. This excellent video demonstrates six ways we tend to screw up with our non verbal communication when we are trying to make a first impression. All six examples are of non verbal skills – HOW we communicate rather than WHAT we say.
The video shows the amazing Michael Grinder, the world’s leading thinker on the micro aspects of non verbal communication. Michael’s skill at decoding the nuts and bolts of communication, and his talent for showing you what he means, is without parallel.
I studied with Michael Grinder for two years and his thinking underpins all the work I do on communication skills development. Take a look at the video and let me know what you think! Do you recognise yourself as Michael demonstrates these six examples of non verbal communication?
Tags: Communication skills, non verbal communication, Presentation skills, Presentation Tips, Tips for presenting
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Shifting Perspective: 4 Steps to Improve Difficult Work Relationships
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010
Ever found yourself in a situation where a fresh perspective would do you good? Ever found someone else’s behaviour hard to understand? Ever had to work with someone you couldn’t get along with?
Sometimes we can get stuck in habitual patterns in our relationships with others. This is especially true with people we find difficult to get along with. We tend to get in a habit of finding fault with their behaviour and making negative generalisations. This can make us inflexible and bring about an escalation of conflict.
In these situations it can be helpful to open ourselves up to a fresh approach. One way to do this is to increase the amount of information we have available to us about our relationship with the other person. Sometimes, when we change our perspective, we find that the other person magically changes too. This shift in perspective enables us to turn the dial down on the daily conflicts in our lives.
NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) provides a wealth of resources for shifting perspective and resolving conflict and friction. A useful basic NLP concept is the idea of perceptual positions. This is a simple way of mapping the various vantage points in an interaction. You can use this model to broaden the amount of information available to you in a situation. NLP identifies 3 perceptual positions in any communication interaction:
First position: this is you, operating from your perspective
Second position: this is the other person, operating from their perspective
Third (or Meta) position: this is a detached, ‘fly on the wall’ perspective
Most of us have a great awareness of one of these positions, at the expense of the others. It might be that you have a strong awareness of yourself, yet a limited understanding of the other person and the bigger picture (good at first position). Or, you might be someone who is very aware of the needs of others, at the expense of your needs (very aware of second position). You could be good at working from the bigger picture, yet lack emotional connection to yourself and feel that you are watching yourself go through the motions (third position).
It’s useful to build the mental ‘muscles’ to work well with all three perceptual positions. When you do this, you’ll increase your understanding and your range of choices. Here are some tips for working with perceptual positions:
Assume that all behaviour has a positive intention. This can be challenging! People are not doing things against you, they are doing things for themselves. When you assume that all behaviour – including your own – has a positive intention, what do you notice?
Be fully engaged in the perceptual position of your choice. For example, if you wish to explore your thinking and feelings in an interaction, connect with yourself fully. Shut down any mind reading about the other person and concentrate on yourself. If you choose to work with second position, aim to become the other person. Pretend you are them and think and talk about yourself in the third person (he/she/they). When operating from third position, pull back emotionally and imagine that you are a fly on the wall, or a video camera, watching people that you don’t know. What do you notice about them?
If you struggle with second and third position, ask yourself ‘what has to be true for this person to behave this way?’ Remember to assume a positive intention for the behaviour.
When moving from one perceptual position to another, be sure to fully exit one position before entering another. It can be helpful to stand up and physically shake off the perceptual position. When I work with clients on this exercise we often set up chairs to represent the various positions. The client moves very deliberately from chair to chair, gaining the information from each perspective as they move systematically.
Here is a quick and easy process for working with perceptual positions, based on the NLP ‘Meta Mirror’:
Step 1:
Think of a person who is troublesome for you. Imagine you are sitting or standing opposite the person. Notice the reaction you have to them. What do you notice about yourself?
Step 2:
Move to the opposite space – where the other person was. Imagine BEING the person you find difficult. ACT as though you are that person and imagine what it is like to walk through life being them. Notice the insights you gain.
Step 3:
Now step back so that you are able to see both positions and imagine you are a ‘fly on the wall’ – you are watching both people in this relationship. What do you notice?
Step 4:
Go through the new information you have gathered from these multiple perspectives. Make notes about what you have learned. Is there anything you will do differently going forward? How has gaining this insight been helpful for you?
Tags: business coaching, Communication skills, conflict resolution, Leadership Skills, Meta Mirror, neuro linguistic programming, NLP, Perceptual Positions, self improvement
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Communications Skills: Are You What or Why?
Tuesday, June 15th, 2010
We all have preferences for how we tend to present and receive information. Do you know what your communication preferences are?
When it comes to conceptual information, we are usually interested in two things: what we need to know and why it is important. Or, why we need to know the information and what is important! Knowing which style you are is a valuable communication and persuasion skill.
Which of these phrases is the best fit for you?
Some people are what/why people. These people need the information first, and then the significance, application, or purpose of the information second.
Others are why/what people. Why/what people need the significance, context, or reason for the information first, followed by the specific information.
It is worth discovering your own preference, because you will naturally bias your written and spoken communication towards it. How about people you communicate with regularly? What’s their preference? Understanding this will help you communicate effectively to the other person’s preferences. Here’s what to look for:
- What/why people tends to be impatient about wanting facts — they need these in order to make interpretations.
- Why/what people tend to be impatient about the purpose of the conversation – ‘why are you telling me this?’
- Both types will begin questions with their preferred word – ‘what’ and ‘why’
Good luck!
Tags: Communication skills, influence, neuro linguistic programming, NLP, persuasion, Presentation skills
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Communications Skills: A Simple Tip to Enhance Your Message
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
Good communication skills are key to helping you give better feedback, be more persuasive, elegantly disagree, and ensure that your message is clearly heard. This nitty gritty language tip is a useful communication skill – and it’s focus is on your use of the word AND.
Notice what happens when we use the word BUT to link two thoughts in a sentence:
‘I’d really like to go to the movies with you BUT I’m busy Friday’
‘I’m pleased with the report BUT I need you to do more work on section 5’
‘It would be great to go on holiday BUT we can’t afford it’
In each instance in the examples above, the word ‘but’ is used to link a piece of feedback (information) to an idea. The initial message is positive, and the ‘but’ links to a piece of potentially disappointing information. We construct sentences this way in the belief that the ‘but’ will somehow soften the blow. Actually, the opposite is true.
When you read these sentences, notice your internal response. Odds are, the part before ‘but’ is negated by the part after the ‘but’. The bit after ‘but’ is the bit that sticks with you. This means that you leave the listener with a potential negative, and you lose half your message – it gets wiped out by the ‘but’.
The solution is to replace ‘but’ with ‘and’. Although it won’t always be grammatically elegant, it will link your information far more effectively. Here are the same examples using ‘and’ instead of ‘but’:
‘I’d really like to go to the movies with you AND I’m busy Friday’
‘I’m pleased with the report AND I need you to do more work on section 5’
‘It would be great to go on holiday AND we can’t afford it’
Notice how, when using ‘and’ in your sentence, any potential blow is softened. The listener also hears both parts of the message.
This is one of those communication habits that develops with practice, so work at eliminating ‘but’ and introducing ‘and’ and see how it makes a difference to your communication.
Tags: Communication skills, communication tips, giving feedback, handling conflict, Leadership Skills, making positive change, neuro linguistic programming, NLP, persuasion, Presentation skills, self improvement
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Communication Skills Tip #7: Chunking
Tuesday, May 18th, 2010
This short video explains the NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) concept of ‘chunking’. You can use your understanding of chunking to:
- communicate more persuasively
- understand your own ‘chunk size’ preferences
- influence others by understanding their preferences
- prepare better written information and presentations
So, which are you? Are you interested in the wood or the inidividual tree? I’d love to know what you think…
Tags: being persuasive, chunking, Communication skills, neuro linguistic programming, NLP, persuasion, presentations, Presenting Tips, written communication
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3 Tips for Handling Tricky Questions
Tuesday, May 11th, 2010
It’s a horrible feeling to worry about what someone is going to ask you. Most of you fear these scenarios, with all the attendant possibility of ending up in conflict or, worse still, losing face in front of someone else. Here are 3 tips to help you manage yourself and create more choices when the pressure’s on.
- I’ve mentioned this in previous posts: Manage your breathing. Focus on breathing low in your belly as you hear and respond to the question. Breathing low floods the body with calming hormones, which will increase your feeling of ease. When we are surprised by a question or response, our natural tendency is to momentarily stop breathing. During that moment, we also stop thinking and hearing. Plus, stress hormones are released into the body. Knowing this, anticipate the situation by focussing on breathing as questions are asked. You’ll hear better, think more clearly, and respond in a more articulate way.
- Turn defensiveness into assertiveness. When we feel challenged, our tendency is to feel defensive, to go ‘on the back foot’. We are rarely at our best when we respond from this position. Detach emotionally from the question, and consider ‘what am I really being asked here?’ When conversations heat up, people often bait others into taking responsibility for other people’s problems. Ask yourself ‘is this within my area of responsibility?’ ‘can I influence it?’ and if not, don’t hurry to sign up for these roles. Move the conversation into a discussion about facts rather than approaches, interpretations, and solutions. Move towards solutions once everyone agrees on the facts.
- Buy yourself time. This is a classic ‘consultant’s secret’. If you are asked a question, and you have no idea how to respond, consider this response: ‘that’s a very interesting question, and what I’d like to do is go away and consider it before I respond fully’. You have flattered the questioner by complimenting their question, and you have bought yourself time to come up with a credible answer. Easy!
There are lots of scenarios that won’t be covered by these tips – email your examples to me and I’ll be happy to address them in future posts.
Good luck!
Tags: Communication skills, conflict resolution, handling questions, Presentation skills, Presentation Tips, public speaking, Tips for presenting
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Laughing at Adversity and the Icelandic Volcano
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
As you’ll know from my previous blog post, I’ve been stranded in CA for an additional week thanks to the Icelandic volcano eruption. At the time of writing this, I’m still in CA.
The past week has been a fascinating experience, and it has led me to reflect on the nature of commitment. I remember reading something years ago that talked about the importance of being committed to achieving your desired outcomes. In particular, it talked about the importance of sticking with your original decision, long after the emotion that accompanied the decision making had passed.
Last Monday morning I woke up knowing that I was not back in the UK, and not going to be back any time soon. I had a very full coaching schedule for the week, and 2 special occasions: my monthly radio show for The Bay Radio in Bournemouth, and a talk for Nick Williams’ Inspired Entrepreneur group on ‘Recession Proof Coaching’. I was committed to doing both of those events, even though they had suddenly become much more complicated and my emotions were all over the place.
In service to my original decisions – my commitments – I got up at 3.15am and attempted to sparkle on live radio! More importantly, I made a decision on Monday that I would somehow ‘be’ at Nick’s event. This caused me to learn far more about video conferencing than I ever wanted to know, and to substantially stretch out of my comfort zone. I discovered that many people wanted to join me in shrugging off the obstacles of time and space and make the event happen. There was tremendous support at the UK end, and here in CA the good people at NextSpace pulled out all the stops to help me deliver on my commitment to Nick and his audience. The event happened, and you can hear a recording of it here . The local newspaper here covered the event, and the article – complete with photo – is here.
I learned this week that challenges happen, and the way to handle them is to be creative and committed in pursuit of your goals. It helps to laugh at adversity, to keep difficulties in perspective, balanced against the combined power of people who are determined to do the right thing. To celebrate this week’s successes, I sponsored a chocolate ‘volcano’ fountain for happy hour at NextSpace, my new CA office. Making fun of the volcano, and making my experience fun, seemed like the right thing to do.
Tags: coaching, collaboration at work, Communication skills, decision making, experiencing resistance, Inspired Entrepreneur, motivation in business, Nick Williams
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Communicate Confidence
Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
Confidence, as we all know, is an inside job. What about those times when we have to communicate – perhaps a presentation, speech, or difficult conversation – and we don’t feel confident? How can we acquire confidence, and project confidence when we communicate?
Good communication has two parts: what you say, and how you say it. The ‘how’ part also has two parts: what you feel on the inside – your confidence or lack of it, and what is perceived on the outside – your performance skills and non verbal communication. Here are 5 tips for how to get the ‘how’ really working for you, both on the inside, in terms of your experience as a communicator, and on the outside, in terms of how you physically communicate. By incorporating these tips into your preparation and performance, you’ll increase your confidence.
- What to say when you talk to yourself! How are you talking to yourself about the impending communication? If you aren’t feeling confident, chances are that your self-talk will reflect this. Here are some examples of some confident things to say to yourself:
‘I’m so glad I get to do this’
‘I am really looking forward to this’
‘I enjoy connecting with people’
‘I’m going to learn ____________ by doing this’
‘I bet I’m really going to enjoy myself’
‘I can count on myself to perform well’
- Build your conviction. People who communicate with genuine conviction about their message are extremely persuasive. Hopefully you feel conviction about your message – if not, fix that – and it’s also helpful to feel conviction about yourself as the messenger. You can develop this by completing the following sentence: ‘I’m the right person to deliver this message because…’ Write down as many reasons as you can. Then focus on the key reasons to help you build focus, confidence, and determination.
- Get your mind working for you, not against you. When it comes to communicating, especially public speaking, often we are our own worst enemy. We tend to create waking nightmares involving catastrophe, shame, public humiliation, embarrassment, etc. Knock it off! There is nothing about that line of thinking that will help you deliver a performance you’ll be satisfied with. Instead, imagine your mind is a giant filing cabinet (because it is, by the way). Within the cabinet are stored all your experiences and memories. Has there ever been a time, in any context, where you felt reasonably confident? Go to the filing cabinet in your mind, and pull out that particular file. Relive the experience fully, noticing what was going on inside you and around you at the time. Take a mental snapshot of the feeling. Imagine yourself tucking the snapshot into your pocket so that you can take it out and look at it at any time. Keep it with you as you approach the presentation/meeting/etc, knowing that you can re-access the memory at any time, taking that confident mood into the communication.
- Breathe correctly. Getting this right will help you appear more confident, communicate more effectively, and feel calm and controlled as you do it. The key here is to breathe deeply in your belly. You can read more about breathing correctly during presentations in my previous post.
- Getting your breathing right will also affect your voice tone in a positive way. To try this for yourself, breathe high in your chest and then speak for a bit. Now move your breathing into your belly and speak again. When breathing from your belly, your voice tone will be more resonant and fully supported by your breath.
- Practice pausing. People who pause regularly when they talk are perceived as more confident. Practice completing a statement, idea, or question, and then closing your mouth and breathing in through your nose. Pausing can feel uncomfortable, and it can be difficult to judge for yourself how long a pause should be. This is a great exercise to do with a friend for this reason. When I do this with my clients, I ask them to say a sentence or two and then pause. I put my hand up at the beginning of the pause, and lower it when it is appropriate for them to begin speaking again. It’s easy to get a friend or colleague to do this with you. The general rule of thumb is that you should hold a pause slightly longer than feels naturally comfortable to you. This is because your perception of time will be slightly out once the adrenalin gets going.
So there you have it – 5 simple ways to communicate confidently, and to be perceived as confident by your listeners. Good luck!
Tags: Communication skills, Confidence, Leadership Skills, Presentation skills, Presenting Tips, public speaking, Tips for presenting
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Communication Skills Tip #5: Losing Control of the Group
Thursday, April 8th, 2010
Trainers, facilitators and presenters frequently worry about ‘losing control of the group’. This assumes that they were ever in control of the group in the first place! Groups have their own dynamics and our role, as the ‘person in charge’, is to work with those dynamics and influence the group for results.
Typically, when people worry about losing control of a group, they worry about not being able to sustain the group’s attention. Actually, sometimes being unable to get the attention of the group is a good sign.
Picture the scene: you’re facilitating a group session, and the group are happily working on something in small groups. As the time for group work draws to a close, the group is still fully engaged in the activity, and no one listens to you as you try to bring the whole group back together. Eventually, you get most of the group’s attention, but small pockets of people persist in continuing to discuss the exercise with each other. You feel frustrated and like you’re failing to keep control of the group. Don’t. Notice what’s happening – the group is learning from each other, fully engaged, and needing very little input from you in order to keep ‘on task’. This is good. You want the group to be engaged, enjoying working together, and learning from each other, don’t you?
Here’s another scenario: you are running a training course over several days. As time passes, you find it increasingly difficult to get the group to come back after breaks on time. No matter how you tell them, they all wander back in late and sit chatting to each other. You worry that you are not respected as the trainer and that they are wasting time socialising. Don’t. The principles of group dynamics teach us that as healthy groups form, they want to interact with each other more and more. A delay in returning from breaks is a good sign, as is the socialising – it means that the group is forming and healthy. Set your ego to one side, and be pleased that the group enjoys being together. And, to get them back on time, tell them a time 5 minutes before when you really want them back in their seats!
Tags: Communication skills, facilitation, group dynamics, Presentation skills, Presentation Tips, Presenting a workshop, Tips for Coaches, Tips for presenting, trainer, training
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About Kate Warren
Kate Warren is the founder of Brightlife. She is a leader in the field of personal and professional development, and is a sought-after speaker, teacher, and coach. Kate is passionate about helping people to unlock their personal and professional potential. She is an NLP Master Practitioner, a Certified NLP Coach, a Master of Group Leadership Dynamics, and the U.K.'s first certified WealthyMind™ trainer. In 2008 her business success was recognised when she was invited to join ‘Courvoisier the Future 500’, an elite group of the 500 rising stars of British business.
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