Today’s communication tip will save you endless heartache in dealing with people and builds on my last communication tip about communication preferences.  It’s about an unspoken ‘rule’ that many people operate when they communicate.  If you have this rule, you’ll be hurt or offended when other people don’t obey it.  And if you don’t have this rule – guess what? You are unintentionally offending people or hurting their feelings, and you don’t even know it.

This short video explains the ‘Look to Listen Rule’.  You’ll learn:

• how to know if you have the ‘Look to Listen Rule’
• how to know if other people have it
• what to do about it

I’d love to know what you think and if you operate in this way, so please leave your comment below.

Did you know that we all have preferences for how we like to receive information?  By understanding your own and other people’s preferences, you’ll be able to:

• easily make yourself understood
• be able to communicate with people in a way that gets their attention
• learn new information quickly and easily
• understand why some presentations really work, and others don’t

This short video introduces you to a powerful NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) concept about how we process information.  You’ll get lots of tips for how you can apply what you learn at work and at home.  I’d love to know what you think, so please do leave a comment.

Leadership is Influence. Nothing more, nothing less – John C. Macwell

What is influence? It’s intangible, yet we all know people who possess it.  Influence is separate from positional power.

Having a high position in an organisational hierarchy doesn’t automatically grant you influence.  We can all think of individuals in very senior roles who are consistently sidelined or unable to influence organisational strategy.  Influence has very little to do with executive authority, seniority, or length of service.  It’s much more to do with the ability to be persuasive with individuals and groups, to be heard when you speak, to get your ideas adopted, and to be able to get others to take action at your request – regardless of your position.

Here are two ways to increase your influence with groups.

1. Notice where the group tends to look.  Next time you are in a meeting, practice this skill:When someone asks a question, notice who the group looks at. Often, it won’t be the person in charge.  Groups elect their own leaders, based on who and what they value as a group. When the whole group looks at the same person during a silence, that person is one of the leaders of the group.  When you’ve identified the leaders in a group, observe their behaviour.  You’ll gain ideas for how you can increase your effectiveness. And, to increase your status within the group, work on your relationship with its leaders.
2. Keep your powder dry.  In meetings, we often feel compelled to contribute.  Those of us (like me) who are raging extroverts can’t help ourselves – when we are in a meeting the first thing we urgently want to do is talk.  For introverts, there is often intense internal dialogue going on about needing to be sure to speak in order to get noticed.  Yet research into group dynamics indicates that people who speak early in a meeting are more likely to be ineffective.  If you have a good idea, hang on and let others speak then introduce your idea when the group is more likely to hear it.  I’m sure you can think of a time when you proposed a solution or gave an opinion during a meeting.  Nobody seemed interested at the time.  Later in the same meeting, someone else proposed the exact same thing, and this time the group bought into it – how frustrating for you!  Next time, be the second guy, and get the credit.

As you apply these tips, keep in mind that the dynamics of individual groups are extremely context-specific.  Try something new, and see what happens, being prepared to keep experimenting.  And be prepared that trying new behaviours can sometimes feel a little uncomfortable.

If you like these tips, you might like to check out Michael Grinder’s work.

Are your non verbal communication skills letting you down?  Most of us know what it’s like to mess up something important, like a job interview or presentation.  Sometimes, we don’t know exactly how we messed it up, or what to do about it.  This excellent video demonstrates six ways we tend to screw up with our non verbal communication when we are trying to make a first impression.  All six examples are of non verbal skills – HOW we communicate rather than WHAT we say.

The video shows the amazing Michael Grinder, the world’s leading thinker on the micro aspects of non verbal communication.  Michael’s skill at decoding the nuts and bolts of communication, and his talent for showing you what he means, is without parallel.

I studied with Michael Grinder for two years and his thinking underpins all the work I do on communication skills development. Take a look at the video and let me know what you think! Do you recognise yourself as Michael demonstrates these six examples of non verbal communication?

We all have preferences for how we tend to present and receive information. Do you know what your communication preferences are?

When it comes to conceptual information, we are usually interested in two things: what we need to know and why it is important. Or, why we need to know the information and what is important! Knowing which style you are is a valuable communication and persuasion skill.

Which of these phrases is the best fit for you?
Some people are what/why people.  These people need the information first, and then the significance, application, or purpose of the information second.

Others are why/what people. Why/what people need the significance, context, or reason for the information first, followed by the specific information.

It is worth discovering your own preference, because you will naturally bias your written and spoken communication towards it. How about people you communicate with regularly? What’s their preference? Understanding this will help you communicate effectively to the other person’s preferences. Here’s what to look for:

• What/why people tends to be impatient about wanting facts — they need these in order to make interpretations.
• Why/what people tend to be impatient about the purpose of the conversation – ‘why are you telling me this?’
• Both types will begin questions with their preferred word – ‘what’ and ‘why’

Good luck!

Good communication skills are key to helping you give better feedback, be more persuasive, elegantly disagree, and ensure that your message is clearly heard.  This nitty gritty language tip is a useful communication skill – and it’s focus is on your use of the word AND.

Notice what happens when we use the word BUT to link two thoughts in a sentence:

‘I’d really like to go to the movies with you BUT I’m busy Friday’

‘I’m pleased with the report BUT I need you to do more work on section 5’

‘It would be great to go on holiday BUT we can’t afford it’

In each instance in the examples above, the word ‘but’ is used to link a piece of feedback (information) to an idea.  The initial message is positive, and the ‘but’ links to a piece of potentially disappointing information.  We construct sentences this way in the belief that the ‘but’ will somehow soften the blow.  Actually, the opposite is true.

When you read these sentences, notice your internal response.  Odds are, the part before ‘but’ is negated by the part after the ‘but’.  The bit after ‘but’ is the bit that sticks with you.  This means that you leave the listener with a potential negative, and you lose half your message – it gets wiped out by the ‘but’.

The solution is to replace ‘but’ with ‘and’.  Although it won’t always be grammatically elegant, it will link your information far more effectively.  Here are the same examples using ‘and’ instead of ‘but’:

‘I’d really like to go to the movies with you AND I’m busy Friday’

‘I’m pleased with the report AND I need you to do more work on section 5’

‘It would be great to go on holiday AND we can’t afford it’

Notice how, when using ‘and’ in your sentence, any potential blow is softened.  The listener also hears both parts of the message.

This is one of those communication habits that develops with practice, so work at eliminating ‘but’ and introducing ‘and’ and see how it makes a difference to your communication.

It’s a horrible feeling to worry about what someone is going to ask you.  Most of you fear these scenarios, with all the attendant possibility of ending up in conflict or, worse still, losing face in front of someone else.  Here are 3 tips to help you manage yourself and create more choices when the pressure’s on.

1. I’ve mentioned this in previous posts: Manage your breathing.  Focus on breathing low in your belly as you hear and respond to the question.  Breathing low floods the body with calming hormones, which will increase your feeling of ease.  When we are surprised by a question or response, our natural tendency is to momentarily stop breathing.  During that moment, we also stop thinking and hearing.  Plus, stress hormones are released into the body.  Knowing this, anticipate the situation by focussing on breathing as questions are asked.  You’ll hear better, think more clearly, and respond in a more articulate way.
2. Turn defensiveness into assertiveness.  When we feel challenged, our tendency is to feel defensive, to go ‘on the back foot’.  We are rarely at our best when we respond from this position.  Detach emotionally from the question, and consider ‘what am I really being asked here?’ When conversations heat up, people often bait others into taking responsibility for other people’s problems.  Ask yourself ‘is this within my area of responsibility?’ ‘can I influence it?’ and if not, don’t hurry to sign up for these roles.  Move the conversation into a discussion about facts rather than approaches, interpretations, and solutions.  Move towards solutions once everyone agrees on the facts.
3. Buy yourself time.  This is a classic ‘consultant’s secret’.  If you are asked a question, and you have no idea how to respond, consider this response: ‘that’s a very interesting question, and what I’d like to do is go away and consider it before I respond fully’.  You have flattered the questioner by complimenting their question, and you have bought yourself time to come up with a credible answer.  Easy!

There are lots of scenarios that won’t be covered by these tips – email your examples to me and I’ll be happy to address them in future posts.

Good luck!

Confidence, as we all know, is an inside job.  What about those times when we have to communicate – perhaps a presentation, speech, or difficult conversation – and we don’t feel confident?  How can we acquire confidence, and project confidence when we communicate?

Good communication has two parts:  what you say, and how you say it.  The ‘how’ part also has two parts:  what you feel on the inside – your confidence or lack of it, and what is perceived on the outside – your performance skills and non verbal communication.  Here are 5 tips for how to get the ‘how’ really working for you, both on the inside, in terms of your experience as a communicator, and on the outside, in terms of how you physically communicate.  By incorporating these tips into your preparation and performance, you’ll increase your confidence.

• What to say when you talk to yourself!  How are you talking to yourself about the impending communication?  If you aren’t feeling confident, chances are that your self-talk will reflect this.  Here are some examples of some confident things to say to yourself:
  
  ‘I’m so glad I get to do this’
  ‘I am really looking forward to this’
  ‘I enjoy connecting with people’
  ‘I’m going to learn ____________ by doing this’
  ‘I bet I’m really going to enjoy myself’
  ‘I can count on myself to perform well’

• Build your conviction.  People who communicate with genuine conviction about their message are extremely persuasive.  Hopefully you feel conviction about your message – if not, fix that – and it’s also helpful to feel conviction about yourself as the messenger.  You can develop this by completing the following sentence:  ‘I’m the right person to deliver this message because…’  Write down as many reasons as you can.  Then focus on the key reasons to help you build focus, confidence, and determination.

• Get your mind working for you, not against you.  When it comes to communicating, especially public speaking, often we are our own worst enemy.  We tend to create waking nightmares involving catastrophe, shame, public humiliation, embarrassment, etc.  Knock it off!  There is nothing about that line of thinking that will help you deliver a performance you’ll be satisfied with.  Instead, imagine your mind is a giant filing cabinet (because it is, by the way).  Within the cabinet are stored all your experiences and memories.  Has there ever been a time, in any context, where you felt reasonably confident?  Go to the filing cabinet in your mind, and pull out that particular file.  Relive the experience fully, noticing what was going on inside you and around you at the time.  Take a mental snapshot of the feeling.  Imagine yourself tucking the snapshot into your pocket so that you can take it out and look at it at any time.  Keep it with you as you approach the presentation/meeting/etc, knowing that you can re-access the memory at any time, taking that confident mood into the communication.

• Breathe correctly.  Getting this right will help you appear more confident, communicate more effectively, and feel calm and controlled as you do it.  The key here is to breathe deeply in your belly. You can read more about breathing correctly during presentations in my previous post.

• Getting your breathing right will also affect your voice tone in a positive way.  To try this for yourself, breathe high in your chest and then speak for a bit.  Now move your breathing into your belly and speak again.  When breathing from your belly, your voice tone will be more resonant and fully supported by your breath.

• Practice pausing.  People who pause regularly when they talk are perceived as more confident.  Practice completing a statement, idea, or question, and then closing your mouth and breathing in through your nose.  Pausing can feel uncomfortable, and it can be difficult to judge for yourself how long a pause should be.  This is a great exercise to do with a friend for this reason.  When I do this with my clients, I ask them to say a sentence or two and then pause.  I put my hand up at the beginning of the pause, and lower it when it is appropriate for them to begin speaking again.  It’s easy to get a friend or colleague to do this with you.  The general rule of thumb is that you should hold a pause slightly longer than feels naturally comfortable to you.  This is because your perception of time will be slightly out once the adrenalin gets going.

So there you have it – 5 simple ways to communicate confidently, and to be perceived as confident by your listeners.  Good luck!

Trainers, facilitators and presenters frequently worry about ‘losing control of the group’.  This assumes that they were ever in control of the group in the first place!  Groups have their own dynamics and our role, as the ‘person in charge’, is to work with those dynamics and influence the group for results.

Typically, when people worry about losing control of a group, they worry about not being able to sustain the group’s attention.  Actually, sometimes being unable to get the attention of the group is a good sign.

Picture the scene:  you’re facilitating a group session, and the group are happily working on something in small groups.  As the time for group work draws to a close, the group is still fully engaged in the activity, and no one listens to you as you try to bring the whole group back together.  Eventually, you get most of the group’s attention, but small pockets of people persist in continuing to discuss the exercise with each other.  You feel frustrated and like you’re failing to keep control of the group. Don’t.  Notice what’s happening – the group is learning from each other, fully engaged, and needing very little input from you in order to keep ‘on task’.  This is good.  You want the group to be engaged, enjoying working together, and learning from each other, don’t you?

Here’s another scenario:  you are running a training course over several days.  As time passes, you find it increasingly difficult to get the group to come back after breaks on time.  No matter how you tell them, they all wander back in late and sit chatting to each other.  You worry that you are not respected as the trainer and that they are wasting time socialising.  Don’t.  The principles of group dynamics teach us that as healthy groups form, they want to interact with each other more and more.  A delay in returning from breaks is a good sign, as is the socialising – it means that the group is forming and healthy.  Set your ego to one side, and be pleased that the group enjoys being together.  And, to get them back on time, tell them a time 5 minutes before when you really want them back in their seats!

Breathing correctly is the easiest way to dramatically improve your speaking ability and your enjoyment of speaking.  Getting this right will help you appear more confident, communicate more effectively, and feel calm and controlled as you do it.  The key here is to breathe deeply in your belly. Here are two great exercises.

Exercise 1

• Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
• Think of something or somewhere that makes you feel relaxed and happy (I imagine a glass of wine on holiday).
• Notice how you naturally breathe easily from your stomach?
• Now, think of something stressful or upsetting that happened recently.
• Where are you breathing from?  Probably, high up in your chest, and possibly faster too.  This is why nervous speakers typically breathe high in their chests.

What’s key to notice here is that your thoughts changed your breathing easily and effortlessly.  The reverse is also true; change your breathing and you will change your thoughts:

Belly breathing = calm happy thoughts

Chest breathing = stressed thoughts

During your presentation

• When you are getting ready to speak, concentrate on keeping your breathing nice and easy in your belly.
• If you are sitting down prior to presenting, then you may find it helpful to put your arm across your lap so that you can use your forearm to check if your belly is moving with your breath.
• If you are able to talk and think at the same time (!) when presenting, then keep part of your mind on your breathing while you are speaking, continuing to keep it low in your belly.
• A great success measure for your development as a speaker is to aim to increase the percentage of time you spend breathing from your belly each time you present.

Getting your breathing right will also affect your voice tone in a positive way.  Try this for yourself.

Exercise 2

• Breathe high in your chest and then speak for a bit.
• Now move your breathing into your belly and speak again.
• When breathing from your belly, your voice tone will be more resonant and fully supported by your breath.
• Your breathing and voice tone is also substantially affected by your posture, so be sure to sit/stand up straight, getting plenty of air into your lungs.